“I’m fine with any outcome, as long as I’m out there. And I am. There’s nothing to lose.” – Alysa Liu
Something I’ve always delved into is the art of “not caring.” I used to think that it was quite frustrating for people to not care. Why shouldn’t we? I cared about everyone everywhere because frankly that is what good people should do. They SHOULD care.
But still, I felt shunned from society. I was often told I overreacted or needed to relax. Especially with the rise of being “nonchalant.”
I cared TOO much. So, in order to please my dissatisfaction with others perception, I started digging, first on YouTube.
“how to not care”
“The subtle art of not giving a f*ck”
“how to be cool”
After all this, it still didn’t quite resonate with me. Every time I thought I was confident, I still stuttered and lost it around strangers. But why? I was putting in all this effort, so why not me? Was I born anxious and awkward?
Despite my time, it was a lost cause. I was going towards an end goal of pleasing others. Fitting in. Doing what society tells you because somebody told you so.
I’ve always wanted a best friend. Even in my own home I found myself lonely. Talking to my parents just because I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. Occasionally, even my parents would tell me to go away. I think this is why it hurt. It hurt that I didn’t share my thoughts with almost anyone outside of my own head and I thought if I changed myself there would be someone out there who would finally want to talk to me. Online school is hard, maybe not always in the fact of rigorous, but mentally. On top of it all I had to recover from complete isolation, as a kid I was traumatized with no way I knew of coping.
When no one was left, it was just me and my thoughts.
To this day I struggle with the memories of my childhood. While the past seems burdening, it also is a gift to the present day. Mistakes are a gift of knowing the difference between wrong and right.
It made me realize why I felt so strongly about changing my identity to fit in and how easy it is for someone to fall into that trap of not just for the better. I masked my likes and dislikes until I didn’t know what was even “me.”
There’s only so long one can pretend. Slowly, as I got to know people I thought I could trust, I let my guard down and showed them who I was. Most people didn’t like it, they only liked the artificial “me.” As they would leave, I would begin to realize that I don’t need to put in all this extra effort just for a reward that doesn’t even last. This was the start of a new journey.
I didn’t need a mask. I didn’t need to worry about all this pointless stuff. I didn’t need a best friend.
I didn’t need external validation.
You’ve probably heard the saying “stop chasing & start attracting.” The idea that good things don’t come to you unless you’re not looking. Almost like a watched pot, it never boils when you watch it but its hard to stop checking anyway. Well I can’t prove or disprove that it works, but I can tell you that I feel better after realizing you are all you need.
Indulging in hobbies and learning about new skills made me realize that I already had myself. As corny as it sounds, it is 1000% true and often repeated for a reason. Life is so short, it’s a waste to worry about what others think, instead of just embracing what you already have. I learned about what I liked and didn’t like. I even created a blog post and post things that just make me feel proud and good. And sure, I was a little nervous, but I did it anyway. Because why not?
I developed a mindset. “So, what?”
luckstarved 
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